As a therapist who has worked with many children facing behavioral challenges from physical aggression to intense tantrums I’ve seen firsthand how much healing is possible. Through play therapy and integrating cognitive behavioral techniques, I’ve helped children make powerful changes. What I want every parent (current or future) reading this to know is this: children are not that different from adults. They may not pay bills or make life-altering decisions, but emotionally, they want the same things adults want: love, respect, and to be understood.
Many of the children who walk into my therapy room feel like “the bad kid.” And when that identity is reinforced at home or school, they begin to embody it. They think: Why try to be good if I’m already labeled as bad? This isn’t always a parenting issue; peer bullying and social stress can also play a role but more often than not, the parent-child relationship is the heart of where healing starts. That’s why I often include family therapy, like having a parent and child play Monopoly together, not just for fun, but to work on their relational dynamic in real time.
If your child is acting out, here are a few clinically grounded tips that I often share in therapy (and that I usually charge a good amount to give, so take them as my gift to you):
Tip 1: Ask What’s Stuck in Their Memory Bank
Even very young children hold on to painful words. You might think you’re asking enough, but if I were a fly on the wall, I’d likely see missed moments. Ask your child: Is there anything someone in this family said to you that really hurt? You’ll be surprised that they remember things like, “I’ll send you to foster care” or “You’re not my kid when you act like this.” These stick. Help them name their resentment, so healing can begin.
Tip 2: Cancel Out Negative Conditioning With Love
Yes, even when they’re misbehaving. Especially then. Many parents push back on this, saying, How can I show love when my child won’t listen? But here’s the thing: your child needs love to regulate. If they draw on the wall with crayons, instead of yelling, try saying: I love you so much, but I’m upset about the wall. Let’s fix it together. Collaboratively repairing the mistake reinforces unconditional love, something many of my adult clients say they never felt growing up.
Tip 3: Delay Punishment by a Week
When a child misbehaves, avoid punishing them with something that’s happening this week, especially a social event like a birthday party they’re excited for. Taking away that party will feel catastrophic. Instead, say: You can go to the party this weekend, but next week’s sleepover may be off the table. This creates less drama in their brain and gives them space to emotionally prepare.
Tip 4: Always Define the Timeline and Repair Plan
A punishment with no end date equals anxiety. Children catastrophize easily. Always tell them: This punishment lasts X days. And even better: You can end it early by doing XYZ. For example, If you help set the dinner table five nights in a row, we’ll consider the consequences completely. This builds emotional safety and shows them that behavior is repairable, not permanently shameful.
These are the kinds of tools I use in therapy every day, and I hope they give you something practical and hopeful to work with at home. Remember, the earlier you tend to the emotional root, the better the long-term outcome for your child’s mental health.
If you’re ready for deeper work or need support navigating this with your child, reach out. I’m here to help.
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