If you’re in the process of divorce or separation, or seriously considering it, you’re likely navigating one of the hardest decisions of your life. Maybe you’ve tried couples therapy, maybe you’ve reached the point where one or both of you has mentally checked out. Let me start by saying: if one or both of you are choosing to move forward with divorce for the sake of gaining mental peace, that is a win. You are choosing emotional health, which may serve not only you, but your children too, in the long run.
People often say, “We’re staying together for the kids.” But let’s talk about the emotional toll on children who live in a household filled with tension, arguments, and unhappiness. Yes, couples therapy can help. But if you’ve reached a point where the marriage cannot be salvaged—whether legally, emotionally, or practically—then moving forward with clarity and support is what matters now.
Let’s talk about co-parenting and how to move through this process more thoughtfully.
First, let’s start with uncontested divorce. This is when both parties agree on the terms, including custody, finances, and visitation. I’m not a lawyer, so this is not legal advice, but emotionally, I’ve seen that uncontested divorce tends to be less painful and more efficient. Clients who choose this path often experience less stress and more clarity as they move forward. It’s also typically less expensive, which is another layer of relief.
If you’re pursuing this option, I recommend you and your partner draft a simple list of what you’d like included in the agreement before you go to your lawyer. This helps minimize time and expense in your attorney’s office. I’ve helped couples create this kind of emotional and logistical draft during therapy sessions. It helps the process go more smoothly and saves money in the long run.
If you’re considering a contested divorce, understand that this could lead to years in court, significant legal fees, and prolonged emotional strain on everyone involved, including your children. Really think about what kind of process you want to model for your kids.
Even if you’ve already decided to divorce, couples therapy can still be helpful. Many clients meet with me specifically to work on communication during divorce or to finalize their plans with a supportive third party present. I’ve helped many couples move through this process with less conflict, more clarity, and mutual respect.
Now let’s talk about co-parenting. If children are involved, you are not done parenting together. You are still a team, even if you’re no longer romantic partners. The sooner you tell your children about the separation or divorce, the better. Kids are incredibly perceptive. Most already know something is wrong before you say a word. And many have friends whose parents are divorced, so this isn’t a foreign concept to them.
When breaking the news, consider telling each child individually. Siblings process emotions differently, and watching a sibling cry or stay silent may alter how the other responds. I often recommend making it a personal moment. Take each child to their favorite restaurant or a familiar comforting spot, and let them know you’ll be talking about something serious. If you have multiple children, let them know ahead of time that you’ll be speaking with each of them individually. This can prevent confusion or secrecy between siblings.
In terms of long-term co-parenting, try to align on the basics. How will birthdays be celebrated? Who takes them to the doctor? Will you attend school events together? Even if you don’t agree on everything, aim for a tone of consistency and mutual respect. That alone can make a huge difference in your child’s ability to adjust and feel safe.
You don’t have to figure all of this out alone. Whether you’re just starting the process or already well into it, I can support you through the emotional and communication challenges of separation and co-parenting. Book a session if you’re looking for a space to talk through logistics, calm the chaos, and prioritize what matters most: your family’s well-being.
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